Agent Monday: 50 Shades of Not-for-me

Hi all!  Okay, I know it’s Tuesday, but whatev’s.  Truth is, my Agent Monday was swamped with me catching up on other stuff, plus finishing up the edits on a client’s amazing middle grade novel.  Better late than never.  So here goes. 50 Shades of Gray has so many authors a-buzz with the whole “I can do that,” and “I can make a ton of moohlah doing that” energy.  And these submissions are starting to land in my inbox several times a day. So let me just put this into the stratosphere: As far as I’m concerned, it’s 50 Shades of Not-for-me.

Once I get a chance to update my online guidelines at the agency, I’ll definitely add in “no erotica” to that list of what I do and don’t want. Look, it’s nothing personal.  I’m just not into erotica in literature. I’m into character-driven fiction, depth, humor, amazing writing. Honestly, if you have that and then toss in an erotica plot to cash in on the craze, I’m still not on board. An in-depth compelling relationship with an amazing love-making scene, sure. But a naughty bite your lip and play hooker cuz it’s so empowering sort of novel? I’m out.

So save yourself some time and if that is what you are aiming at, simply remove me from your submission list. I’m not the agent for you. Please don’t try to convince me that your novel is not that “sort of book” when it really is. If you sat down and wrote it to tap into the “50 Shades Craze” then please don’t send it to me. If the whole trajectory of the plot is to put your heroine into more and more naughty scenarios, then I’m out.  If there are damp panties mentioned every time she sees a handsome man, THEN I’M OUT.

Just so we’re clear.

I wish erotica authors well, I truly do. And I hope they can find the agent who IS interested in their novels. And I hope they understand that I’m not that agent.

Okay, now that I put this info “out there,” I’m going to spend the next half hour or so rejecting the many erotica submissions sitting in my inbox right now.

No hard feelings, gang.

 

*Marie is an Associate Agent at the Jennifer De Chiara Literary Agency in New York City.  To keep up with all her posts, subscribe to her site by clicking on the “Subscribe to Marie’s site here” link located on her page on the upper left margin.

Agent Monday: On New Clients!

Hi gang!  Happy New Agent Monday to you all (though a bit belated today…sorry). Even though I’ve been slightly crazed dashing around traveling the past few days, I just had to make a quick stop here and share some thoughts on what it’s like getting a new client.

First thought: Exciting!

Many queries I get just aren’t up to snuff, or are perfectly fine, yet not for me.  Then I’ll get a query that makes me sit up and think, hello!  So I’ll eagerly read the attached first 20 pages I request in my guidelines. And all too often those 20 pages just don’t do it for me.

But once in a while, those pages really sing. That’s what happened a week ago when I got the opening pages to a debut novel titled LOOK WELL.  Holy smokes. The writing was riveting. I requested the novel immediately. That was on a Friday. Got the full 2 hours later, loaded it onto my Kindle, and dove in, reading it throughout Saturday, finishing it in the wee hours of the morning. YES!

So, exciting! Exciting that the book fulfilled the promise it’d set up. Exciting that it made me eager to jump up and grab the phone and call the author immediately. (But I had to wait a few hours first…we are in different time zones.)

Second thought: Hopeful!

Okay, so far things are going along smoothly, but now I have to hope that when I talk with the client, we’re on the same page (ha-ha) about what our working relationship will be, about possible edits, about promotion. And I’m hopeful that I can convey just how special I feel the writing is, and what I in particular as an agent can do for her work…stuff like helping with any in depth editing cuz I’m a writer too, offering my experience in book promo, my unending enthusiasm, plus the backing of The Jennifer De Chiara Literary Agency, a fabulous group that includes its own film and foreign rights agents.  Also, I’m hopeful that the author and I communicate well with each other, since we need to be able to work positively together for the long haul.

So I call and we talk and everything is AWESOME, but, like many great manuscripts, this full manuscript is being looked at by several other agents, so that leads us to…

Third thought: Anxious!

Here’s the part you never hear about. The part where the tables are turned, and the agent hopes that you, the writer, will choose me, the agent as your representative. I’ve basically made my pitch, and I’m ready to go, but I also want the writer to make the choice that she feels is best for her. That’s what a good working relationship is about. (Of course I know I’m the right choice.) So I suggest she get back to me in a week and give those agents already reading the manuscript notice that she has an offer of representation and give them till the end of the week to let her know.

This part of the gig can go different ways. Sometimes the author tells me right away I’m going to be her agent, and simply lets the other agents know. Sometimes the author gives the other agents a time frame to also make an offer (which I absolutely understand). And then I wait to see if I will rep this author that I’ve fallen in love with or not. Kinda like college admissions where students spend years trying to build up an application worthy of an offer, then, once they get multiple offers from colleges, the colleges have to hope the student now will choose them. It doesn’t always work out, and that can be disappointing, but I always tell authors that whatever they decide, I know they will do great and I thank them for the opportunity to read their work. They should be very proud of the level of writing they’ve achieved. Which brings me to my final thought…and an announcement.

Final thought: Yes!

I’ve just signed my newest client Yvette Ward-Horner, author of the breath-taking debut novel LOOK WELL, which is about a woman obsessed with blazing a new trail up one of Alaska’s most treacherous peaks, and the two men who risk their lives and hearts for her. Yvette has had a number of short stories in journals and anthologies, and her story The Nomads won first place in the Literary/Mainstream category of Writer’s Digest Magazine‘s Annual Writing Competition. She’s an experienced climber who also is on a search and rescue team. No wonder her writing is so believable!

I’m thrilled to have her join my list of incredibly talented clients. You can check out my list of fabulous authors here.

Agent Monday: Poor Mom

Hi gang!  Happy Agent Monday to you all.  With Mother’s Day approaching this upcoming weekend (a big happy Mom’s Day to each of you!), I thought I’d pose this question to writers submitting to me: What do you have against moms?  Or dads?  You seem to have an obsession with killing them off.  Poor mom and dad.

It’s one of those weird things I see in numerous queries every day – the protagonist is an orphan. The parents died in an accident (sometimes the protagonist feels at fault), or from an illness, or one died and the other had already left the family years before.  So many orphans.  We’re talking about middle grade and YA novel submissions here.

If it’s a contemporary novel, then this orphan has been shuffled off to live with a weird relative – an eccentric, usually.  Perhaps they return to their mom’s home town to live with an estranged grandparent and begin to learn more and more about their mom’s past – full of surprises and secrets.

If the novel has any sort of fantastical element to it, the child – who lives with an eccentric relative now – discovers that mom didn’t just die from a disease, it was actually all a coverup for something bigger – an epic war is at hand and mom died fighting the good fight with whatever powers she had (magic, was a mythical being, could shoot lightning bolts out of her eyes – you get the idea).  Said orphan learns that he or she has those powers too, was left some talisman that will help with the fight, must figure out what’s happened/will happen or the entire world will come to an end, or something along those lines. Cough cough, Harry Potter, cough, cough.

And sometimes, in the fantasy scenario, mom isn’t dead for good and the child’s actions can bring them back.

Now hold up.  I can almost feel you folks ready to comment with a whole “It’s a fairy tale motif,” “It’s a classic fantasy trope,” “It’s a way for a child to embark on their own autonomous story,” “It’s how classic stories for kids have been shaped forever!”

I know, gang.  I’ve read those stories. Studied ‘em.  Even took several courses on the fairy tale when I was at Penn.

But here’s the thing: how many orphans did you know growing up?  How many do your kids know right now at this moment? Maybe it does tap into some dark fantasy in a resentful child’s mind or some “I’m on my own” desire ala My Side of the Mountain… But (and this is a big but, I can not lie!) it is done and done and done again and again.

Sometimes finding this all too familiar scenario makes me sigh aloud and I just can’t read yet another word.  Do you think editors might feel that way too?  Can you recast your novel to play out differently and thereby make it stand out in a fresh way?

And, couldn’t a parent, sometimes, be a part of the story?  Part of the humor? Part of the heart? Part of the conflict (without it going straight to abuse, which I see a lot of as well)?

I’m just putting this out into the stratosphere, because it just might result in more realistic reads, even in the fantasy genre. And it just might make your story stand out.

So go honor your mother!

 

*Marie is an Associate Agent at the Jennifer De Chiara Literary Agency in New York City.  To keep up with all her posts, subscribe to her site by clicking on the “Subscribe to Marie’s site here” link located on her page on the upper left margin.

Agent Monday: How’d She Do that So Fast?

Happy Agent Monday, gang!  *Waves from a drizzly northeast location.*  Though it does vary, in general I reply to queries FAST.  Sometimes within hours of receiving them. Yeah, call me The Flash! All too often, I’m sending out polite rejections. These might have writers scratching their heads wondering, did she even read it? Does she have an army elves reading for her? How the heck did she do that so fast?

So today, The Flash replies to these questions…  Yes, I read it.  No, no army, just me. And how does The Flash maintain her rapid fire responses? Well, honestly, often I KNOW within a line or two of a query if I need to read anything more.

Sorry, writers, but it is true. Picture yourself browsing through a bookstore, looking for a new book to take home and spend hours upon hours with.  You are looking for what interests you most.  So if someone hands me something that I’m absolutely NOT interested in, I know quickly that it ain’t making it to the checkout aisle.

Blood, death and destruction? Not for me.  Zombie apocalypse? I could care less.  Horsey books? I always was afraid that a horse would bite my face off, so I’m not on board.  Rampant kinky sex between the pages of a book? Yawn.  A naughty baron is tamed by innocent maiden? Nu-uh.

If your query is trying to get me sweet on a topic that I really never ever have liked to read, chances are pretty good it’ll be a rapid fire rejection.  Doesn’t take me long to figure that out. That’s where reading an agent’s guidelines can be helpful to you. Don’t waste time trying to convince someone who does not represent bodice rippers that yours is the one for them.

What else spurs The Flash into a rapid-fire rejection? Unprofessionalism. Think of your query like a job interview. The moment you walk into the room, I’m looking for signs that you are a serious writer, a pro to work with, as well as talented. So, this is a writing gig, right? Show up with multiple typos, with a slew of grammatical errors in your sample pages, with a dull write up about your book, and it’s like you came into the interview room wearing flip-flops and with greasy hair, while smoking a joint. Zap! You ain’t getting the job.

You’d be amazed at how many queries I get on a daily basis that fall into one of the two above categories. With most, I don’t have to read too far before I know what to do.

So target your queries carefully, and be a pro in what you present. It matters. Big time.

Your goal should be to get the agent to request your full manuscript, and fast! So do it right.

Remember, I can be quick with a request, too.  So get moving.

The Flash is poised and waiting…

 

*Marie is an Associate Agent at the Jennifer De Chiara Literary Agency in New York City.  To keep up with all her posts, subscribe to her site by clicking on the “Subscribe to Marie’s site here” link located on her page on the upper left margin.

Agent Monday: Promises, Promises

Happy sunny Agent Monday to you all!  As I raise my second coffee cup to my lips and contemplate the queries I’m about to read in my inbox, I can’t help but think about how hard this whole process can be. Yup, it’s hard for you writers to find the right agent who will “get” you and your writing enough to champion your work (remember, I’m a writer too, so I totally understand). But on the agent end of things, it’s hard too. Agents are looking to connect with novels, but all we get is a query and a few sample pages. When we latch onto something that really interests us in a query, it’s like a promise that the manuscript we request will deliver even more of that interest. So, promises, promises.  Are you keeping your promise to me?

Too often, I’m seeing these promises broken when I dive into the requested full, and, yes, that’ll result in a rejection.  It’s like a thirsty traveler happening upon a lemonade stand, plunking down a dollar with eager anticipation, only to find she’s walked away with a glass of tomato juice.  Not cool.

I think two things are happening with queries, neither one of which will help you get an agent…

Thing One: You do not have a clear vision of your novel, and because of this, you misrepresent it in a query. You call it a thriller when it’s really a contemporary. You say it’s contemporary when it’s really a paranormal. You call it a YA when it’s really a middle reader novel. You tell me it’s a dark emotional novel when it’s really a comical parody.

Thing Two: You do have a clear vision of your novel, BUT you’ve also read up on what’s hot and what I’m looking for and you recast your query to fit that so you’ll get me, the agent, to ask for it. You may think that if you could just get me to read your full novel I’ll fall in love with it and forget that it isn’t anything like what I’m looking forward to.

But Thing One or Thing Two = EPIC FAIL. Sorry, gang.

Truth is, when I’m settling in to read that requested full, I’m looking forward to reading what you’ve promised to deliver. When it doesn’t deliver those elements, or the focus quickly veers from what I was eagerly anticipating, I’m not delighted. I’m disappointed and confused. What happened to that quirky character the initial pages had me intrigued about? Or that contemporary tale I was looking for? Or that thriller you foretold.

Like with any commercial transaction, the old bait and switch ain’t gonna work. I’m gonna return that product to the seller fast and never look back.

So be careful what you promise. The query builds an expectation. Keep your promise, and I’ll keep interested.

Happy writing and querying!

 

*Marie is an Associate Agent at the Jennifer De Chiara Literary Agency in New York City.  To keep up with all her posts, subscribe to her site by clicking on the “Subscribe to Marie’s site here” link located on her page on the upper left margin.

Agent Monday: An Invite for the Busy!

Happy Agent Monday, gang.  I know I know. I’ve been noticeably absent for a week or so. Why? Well it could have something to do with traveling to a conference in NYC, followed the next day with teaching a special class, followed the next day with travel, day of catching up, three more days of travel, oh, and teaching another class. And all this time I’ve been reading requested full manuscripts while in a train or bus, tending to my clients, doing deep edits on a manuscript, and, above all, my inbox has been filling up with queries like cwazy!  During the class I taught yesterday, I was sharing with folks info about querying and pitching, and how a query is not a hard sell, it’s an invitation to read more. So, today I’d like to talk about how it’s not only an invitation, it’s an invite for the busy.

Do it wrong and a busy person ain’t showing up, do it right and quick and make your book feel like “the place to be,” and even the most harried agent will pop in for a quick visit, perhaps even staying to the end of your manuscript.  Look, everyone’s busy, right? Ever since I’ve become an agent, though, I’ve become beyond busy. Even when I’m sleeping, I’m dreaming up pitches for my client’s manuscripts, when I’m making dinner, I’m stewing over editors to submit to, when I’m on the phone in the evening with my mom, I’m writing up a to-do list for the morning (sorry, Mom), and at 6 a.m. I’m doing stuff like this column (with my jammies on and my first coffee of the day in my hand). And during the work day? Zowie, that’s when things get busy! Check out my typical day in this post.

So my point is that I am juggling things and trying to use my time very wisely. You, on the other hand, are trying to tempt me into reading your full query, and your sample pages, and especially your full manuscript (which will most likely take several hours to get through). Hm.

Here’s something to think about, then: Is your query a tantalizing invite to a smokin’ once in a lifetime happening that I’d be a fool to miss? Or even a delightful gathering of comforting and heartwarming characters that will become like a second home to me? Ooooo!

Or, as with most queries I see, does it feel more like I’m being asked to Uncle Wilbur’s house to eat stale pigs in a blanket and watch (yet again), his dreadfully dull slide presentation of his day at the supermarket?  No thanks!

I, and many of my colleagues, look at queries in quick bursts. What’s it about? Is it something I care about? Is there something special about the writing, story, author? No? I’m outta there. Yes? I’ll give it another tiny bit of time to dip into the starting pages pasted below the query. Do those pages build on what’s in the query and pull me in? No? Then I’m not sticking around for the next course.  Yes? Then I’m getting comfortable and eager to meet folks at the party and hang out all night if I can…okay, you know what I mean.  I’ll want to see the rest of your book pronto!

What’s that mean to you, the writer? It means address your “party invite” correctly: put QUERY right in your email message line, along with your title and genre.  It means you lead with your best quality in your query, so when I open that query and my eyes dash over the starting lines, I won’t glaze over.  Are you an award-winning author with well-known books? Then why the heck would you put that at the bottom of your query? Is your book’s strongest quality a highly marketable hook? Then give me a one-line description of the book that includes it right at the top. Don’t make me read several paragraphs till I find that.  Is your voice exceptionally strong? Then perhaps a line from the book in italics should start off your query.

Think of your query as an invitation. What’s the reason to attend your party and stick around? Lead with that and it’ll be as if you’re saying “open bar!” (or, in my case, “unlimited dark chocolate”).  And even the busiest of us agents will show.

(By the way, pleeeeease don’t start sending me chocolates!)

 

*Marie is an Associate Agent at the Jennifer De Chiara Literary Agency in New York City.  To keep up with all her posts, subscribe to her site by clicking on the “Subscribe to Marie’s site here” link located on her page on the upper left margin.

 

Liar Liar Audiobook…and an embarassing trailer to go with!

“They’re real, and they’re spectacular,” lies author Kelly Simmons.  Click on the video link below and you’ll see members of the Liars Club, including myself, tell a range of shocking whoppers.  And you’ll find out why I won the award for “best facial expressions.” Yikes!

The video is our bizarre version of a book trailer for our new audio version of our short story anthology LIAR LIAR (Blackstone Audio), which has just been released TODAY. Yeah, fitting to have a LIAR LIAR book release on April Fool’s Day, no?

In the anthology is my story “What I Did…,” along with stories by Simmons, Merry Jones, Jon McGoran, Jonathan Maberry, Don Lafferty, Gregory Frost, Keith Strunk, Solomon Jones, Keith DeCandido, Dennis Tafoya, Stephen Susco, Chuck Wendig, Ed Pettit and William Lashner. If you love audio and you lie, then you need this…honest!

Check out more details about the audio book by clicking here. So happy to say that a portion of all proceeds from sales of LIAR LIAR are donated by my group the Liars Club to literacy causes.

Hope you enjoy the trailer below…